I tried.

I tried to wash the words from my arms.

But they only faded.

I tried to cry the sadness from my heart.

But it only grew stronger.

I tried to push back the thoughts from my head. 

But the memories pushed harder. 

I guess the best poems come from the saddest moments.

When he said the thoughts in his head would eventually kill him. 

I broke.





Sage

Death

What if death is someone.


Death is attracted to us, as humans. Our strong wills, our emotions, our defiance of him.

We tempt death. We dance seductively close to him, then skip away right before our skin brushes. A brush with death.

Death loves us, but he fears the closeness. He know that once we touch him, once we die, he cannot see us anymore he can't never be close to us again. We can't die twice.

Sometimes death trips, sometimes he falls over his own feet, embracing us. A cold kiss of death.

 Death is attracted to the raw beauty of human nature. We tell ourselves to survive. But we still dance, we still tempt him without knowing it.

He falls in love. He falls in love with everyone he kills.

No matter what death has done, or who he has taken away, we still think he is beautiful. There is an appeal to something so final, something so lasting.

Death is the ultimate tortured soul. When he touches the thing he loves it is lost to him. He grieves, holding our empty bodies missing the soul he loved so much.    





Sage

Make-up

She paints her face with an experts hands.

After 2 minutes she has a perfectly blank canvas, no freckles, no pimples, no laughter lines, no frown lines. All emotions wiped clean.

Black around the windows to her soul.
"It sure does make them pop."
 But you can't see how deep they really are.

Coating her lips with red that looks like blood. So many hateful words spilled from those lips, she can still feel them. Every kiss, every word, every smile, every frown, every song, covered by the thick red paint.

She contours with a color darker then her own skin. Shading imaginary shapes on her face.
"Wow, she does look thinner, look at her cheekbones."

Looking up the mirror reveals someone pretty, not a flaw on her powdered face. Of course she doesn't look much like she did before she started her masterpiece. A daily routine, masking everything is a daily routine.








Sage

A letter

I'm a little lost and a little confused so if you could answer these questions that would be great.


Dear God,

First off thank you, I have lived a pretty good life and thats awesome. But right now I'm in kind of a rough situation. Can I cuss, just a little, when I'm mad? I did today.

Oh God please tell me, what can I say to my friend who talks of suicide almost everyday? Oh God how can I help him without allowing him to drag me down with him, cause I've been down there and I never want to go back.

Oh God please tell me how to know. If every religion is based of of faith how can I know which one is true. We do not believe in our religion because we have proof but because we have faith. Don't get me wrong God, I love this church but sometimes I wonder; if people in another religion have just as much faith or more than me in mine then what makes mine any different or any more true?

Dear God please tell me why people are so selfish, how someone can sit in there giant houses with more of everything than they could ever need and some people be dying of starvation on the streets. God why are we so selfish?

God please tell me why people do drugs, and alcohol, and cut and die. How can we let one person feel so alone and so hurt that they feel the best way to feel better is to kill themselves, slowly or quickly.

Oh God please tell me why we can't just love each other. I'm trying I am, but sometimes it's hard. Why is it that someone can be hated not for the way they act not for their personality but for whom they choose to love. God why?











Sage

What my bones said to me

My bones want to rip from my body. They want to run away with my soul.

I think my bones and my soul are having an affair. They cheat on my heart and my brain. Behind my back they plot to break free of my skin.

My bones want to break, they are sick of my heart getting all the attention. Everyone says that the heart is where you feel and it's true. But the soul is where I suffer.



My soul is where I endure, is where I perceive. My soul no longer has connection to my heart.




Damn it. I feel it every day. I feel my bones trying to move me. I hear my soul screaming. Some how when I finally notice them they are too far away. Please take me with you. Please.








I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm so lost. So lost.......


So to my bones and my soul, I want you to take over, because I don't feel anymore.












Sage

you are the weeds on the lawn of my life

Questions you must answer two.

Comment on this. Cause I want answers.


1. Beach or mountains?
2. What is your biggest what if?
3. What is you favorite Disney/ Pixar/ Dreamworks movie?
4. How are you enjoying this class?
5. What is your current, biggest frustration?
 6. Do you sing in the shower?
7. If you want to rant then rant, oh and do you want me toe reply to  your comment?





Please answer these questions if you happen to read this post, please and thank you.







Sage

Letter to the living

Dear you

You are breathing, that is amazing! Don't think too hard about what some ass said to you today, or yesterday or a few years ago. Your heart is beating, you are loving, smelling, wanting, needing, smiling, laughing, crying, singing (horribly), dancing (also horribly), you have so much potential please just see it, look at what you have, look at what your two hands can make, create, build, hold, feel.

You are the hero of your story. I know it seems like you may be the sidekick sometimes but you aren't you can do whatever the hell you want to do with your life. I know it doesn't get easier but it can get better if you try. You could die tomorrow so why not?

You are alive so act like it.

Confessions for the living:

1. I lied, that one time. And all the other times.

2. I've had your sweatshirt for a few months I just keep forgetting to bring it to you.

3. I'm sorry I know I'm not supposed to but I think everyone should be happy regardless of who they love.

4. I'm not as confident as I seem

5. You sound like an idiot just stop talking. Please.

6. I know I say I'm over it but I'm not. Okay? I'm just not I can't.

7. I am mad at you, you are in trouble. But you aren't... at least I won't tell you that you are. And I hate that I won't.

8. For a certain person; I know. I know I'm not supposed to know but I do and I'm okay with it, just tell me you can trust me I promise.

9. For my mom; I say yes, I agree, and I give in so you will stop yelling. Apparently I'm not allowed my own opinion.

10. You remember when you asked me all those questions and I answered. Every time I never told a full truth I'm too afraid of what you'll think.



I am crying now, I'm so tired, I am so done, when will it be okay? When will I take my own advice?








Sage

birds on my brain

I've got birds in my brain. And flowers growing in my heart.

The earth aches to reclaim my body.

Gravity drags me back down to the earth every time I lift my foot.

My head dreams of being in the clouds.

The sun feeds my soul. 

Vines run through my body instead of veins.

Run your finger along my broken spine and tell me how it feels to be whole.

I want it back.

I want my dreams back.

I want my creativity back.

I want back all the self confidence I lost when I went through all that shit.

Most days I ask myself what the hell am I doing with my life?

I want my adventure back, but high school is getting in the way.

Why do I care about my grades. People assigning me a letter because of how smart I appear to be, and that affects the rest of my life. That is utter bull shit.

I tried to argue about how I wasn't very smart with someone I care very much about the other day. And he totally disagreed with me. He told me I was smart, he told me that my creativity made me smart.

I can create stories, pictures, art, inventions, and poems in my head. In my little head.

What's in your head? In your head? Zombie? -The Cranberries

I want my creativity back. My creativity makes me who I am, it can make me brilliant, whether I can do complicated math or not.

So my goal for the end of the year is to become as brilliant as I can be.






Sage

Who I am

Who I am. I am the girl who laughs when most people would ignore.

I am one who raises her hand in class then instantly regrets it. I am the explosion of energy that happens when something exciting happens to someone. I am the one who can't stop the tears when they are real. I am the one you screwed over.

I am the positive comments on your blogs. I am the one who loves you. I am the one who had an anxiety attack in bed last night, and the night before. I am the one who over thinks. I am the one who doesn't think. It's always one extreme or the other.

I am the one who is always listening to music. I am the one who couldn't control her laughter the other day. I am the one who will smile at you in the hallway. I am the one who can't breath when she is scared.

I am the ground you walk on.
I am the sky above your head.
I am words on a page.
I am a speck of dust.
I am the chain around your neck, steadily getting heavier.

 
I am not screwing around.






Sage

Thoughts

Guys, guys help I need your help I'm freaking out!

I have nothing to write about. I was reading DiMiTRi Snow's blog and that little bit of imagery at the beginning just killed me. Ouch dude, that hurt. 


I was like "well damn I can't be all cool like that and set up an awesome background like that cause I don't have any cool backgrounds... like that." 

Now I feel like I need to go walk around in the woods or something....................................................


You wanna know something that bugs the crap out of me? My mother was amazing at art, like she was incredible so creative and she just did some beautiful pieces. Anyway so she stopped drawing after collage, every now and again she will doodle and when I asked her why she just said it was personal. I didn't push her any farther. She was so good, it makes me sad that she stopped doing something she loved so much. It kinda scared me too.... I never ever want to do that.



Would get down on your knees for me? Pop that pretty question right now baby. -Marina


Gosh I'm so bad at dancing.

How to dance:

1.  Do what ever the hell you want as long as you are moving your body.
2. Stare and anyone who looks at you funny, and dance even more.
3. Enjoy. :)

I keep thinking of things to write then getting distracted and forgetting...

I got new shampoo today, maybe my hair will finally grow! Probably not. :(


I've decided I hate that random rainbow swirly thing that makes it impossible to do anything on a computer. I typed that whole thing with a double chin, now my neck hurts.


Do I post too much, I need a life I swear half the time I'm just roaming around everyones blogs.


Hey does anybody know a good joke? If you can make me laugh (and i will be honest if I do laugh) I'll do something I don't know what but something. So tell me a joke I hope who ever reads this reads enough of it to see this part and makes me laugh.

Should I post more poems, have I even posted any poems? Maybe like one, I think I will. Haha all I have are depressing poems, oh well.



Beautiful things: your face, collar bones, the human body, flowers, smiles, poems, nature, clouds, 3 o'clock in the morning, lips, tongues, crystals, music, bricks, tea.












I love you. I love you. I really really enjoy your face! 


Babe, please smile more it is like the cutest thing on this earth. Please laugh more darling. Love please tell me what is wrong, let me help you fix it or just let me distract you if I can't do anything else...


Hey boy I hope you are happy. I hope you are happy with me, I hope I help make your day just a little better. I love you. 



He probably won't read that, or at least he won't know that it's for him....

I am tired now I'm going to bed. Goodnight fellow writers sleep well, I love you all!









Sage

Thoughts: Rant

Ok so it is 6:40 and I'm in my sweats drinking tea and reading blogs I have no life...

So ya here thoughts, coming form my strange head.


I like my tea not too strong, I think anyone who would try a cup of my tea would think it's way too watered down.


Nelson you pissed me off today. 

I really want to go to prom, ask me already!!!!!


I'm irritated with people right now. They are so petty, do you guys ever just turn the table around and think hmmmm I wonder if she feels like shit today? You probably don't you're so damn selfish. You took all my friends away from me then had the nerve to blame your emotional shitty problems on me. Really?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!? Are you f-ing kidding me????? I hope you heard me say ass hole the other day cause I said it (I wasn't only talking about boys), you've never heard me swear before and I want you to hear me. I want you to understand, why can't you understand? Bitch. Sadly I can't say any of this too your face, you would most likely tell everyone I'm a bad kid, and probably tell your mom and sister and eventually everyone would know that I'm not as innocent as I seem.

I slept in my underwear last night, I don't normally but it was so hot in my room. I felt like I was melting.

They were the only friends I've ever had. We got in to trouble and when stuff got bad I got sent away. Lana Del Rey has some nice music.

I love driving around early in the morning, I kinda like going to bed at 12 and waking up at 5. It's like peace, no one is on the road. You are all alone, it's dark, and your tired but so awake.

I think my parents would kill me if they know I wrote like this. But you know what this is my outlet I'm 18 I can do whatever I want. Kinda.

Kiss me in the d-a-r-k dark tonight!

Right now I wish I was one of two places. With him at his house crying with him holding me or in a little cafe in Paris writing poetry and drinking tea. Tea check, boy nope, cafe nope, Paris nope....

Sorry for the rant but gosh I am upset.






Sage

Fears

I am scared that I am suppressing my emotions. I've been people in my life who were very important in my life lately and instead of continuing the fight I've been giving up and finding new people to care about.

I'm terrified that something is going to happen to the people I love. Sometimes it keeps me up at night. I'll sit and think of all the horrible things that could happen.

My dad is gone a lot on business trips and I'm always afraid that his plane will crash. I'm afraid one of my parents will give up on the other and leave. I'm scared that if I do what I enjoy then I'll fail. I wont be good enough.

I'm afraid of being the same as every one else in this damn world. I'm afraid to go to far with this new found swearing/rebel thing. I probably won't but a big mistake would be bad.

I am afraid of people hating me. I'm afraid of what my old friends think of me. I know they gossip about me. I'm afraid of having a horrible marriage. I'm scared of messing up my future kids.

I'm afraid that I'm missing something, something important. I'm scared that I'll never live up to my potential. I'm afraid that I will miss an opportunity, or that I already have.

I'm afraid of big snakes and spiders even though I find them fascinating. I  have a fear of the unknown. I have a fear of the known.

I'm afraid that the religion I want so badly to believe in won't be real. I am afraid that people think I am a freak. One time when I moved to a new school I was accepted by the popular crowd for about a week. After that I heard then talking about me one of the guys said "It sucks that she is so weird, shes pretty hot". What a shitty thing to say, apparently I'm not cool enough for the way I look. I don't think I'm that attractive though... I'm afraid you can't see me.




Sage

I'm afraid of losing touch with my emotions or being too emotional. I'm afraid there is no middle ground.

Questions you must answer.

Comment on this. Cause I want answers.

1. Do you guys daydream as much as me?

2. Do you love yourself?

3. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?

4. Do you love to write overly emotional posts?

5. Will you ever nominate me for top 5?

6. What is you favorite color?

7. How are things at home? (If they suck be strong. I know it's hard but you are strong and you can get through anything)

8. Do you think you are a good writer?

9. Do you want to rant? If yes then rant to me.

10. Do you want me to reply to your comment?


Comment, you have to I can see how many views this gets. You have to honest, okay? Please promise me you'll be honest.




Love Sage

Thoughts: Being yourself.

Who are you when you are alone? Are you the same as you are around others?

I just realized that I agree with people too much. I was sitting in the car with my boyfriend and he was talking about something he didn't really like and I agreed with him even though I didn't really know what he was talking about. I hate that I do that.

You know what else? I hate that my mind goes blank around people I care about. I'm so scared of what the will think that I can't even talk. Then I freak out cause they probably think I'm really boring cause I don't talk. It is such a lose lose.

I million things run through my head almost every second of me day and I hardly say any of them.


I'm so sick of catering to everyone else. Even when I try super hard or don't try I can't be myself. Thats why I have to be okay with who I am cause in the end we are all we will ever have in this world. We are the ones who have to live with ourselves so why not try to always live like that?

Just some thoughts running through my head.


Sage

My thoughts.

Okay so I was just thinking:

I am never going to write ok anymore because that stupid squiggly red line drives me nuts!

I want to be with him 24/7 but that's weird. I want to drive down to his house at 2 o'clock in the morning and fall asleep in his bed instead of mine. But I can't do that, that would be weird. :(

I love this class I don't have to do anything that is why I'm blogging.

Goldfish are so darn yummy.

I write so much but I hardly post any of it cause I think you'll think it's shit.

Do I swear too much for you Molly Mormons? I don't even swear that much. Especially in public. I swear when I'm trying to get my point across.

I think I'm going through the most rebellious stage I'll ever go through and it's not even that bad. I went to church yesterday. I love my ward, and I love my young women they mean so much too me. They are so amazing, and I am the oldest one there so I feel partly responsible for them.

Why do humans have to bash on everything? We are so cynical. Gosh everyone just calm down for like 2 seconds!!!

People are kinda stupid sometimes.

I know you aren't supposed to be in beds with someone of the opposite gender but for real. I know my standards I won't do anything I know I shouldn't do. I just love being so comfortable with him.

Jack Johnson is cool, I like him music.

Does anyone else look for pictures in carpet or tile? I do.

I feel like adults judge teenagers way too much sometimes. We aren't all hoodlums.

My favorite blogs: Sincerely, Endymion Falling, Andie Writes too much, Charles Darnell, Alis Priddy, The Fail Safe, and Feathers on a Fish.

I want you to comment on this.Please! I'm desperate, kidding I'm not but you still should. Tell me if you think my writing is shit if that is what you think. 

It does kinda drive my crazy not knowing what people think. 

I WILL HOLD ON AND I WILL HOLD ON, HOOOLD. I WILL HOLD ON AND I WILL HOLD ON. Good song. Thistle and Weeds, Mumford and sons.

 I have dreams where really cool things happen... Then I wake up and I'm pissed cause they aren't real.

I want to do something worth while with my life. Can I please? Will you let me? I'm talking to myself of course because I hold myself back.

Let me be, I want to be free. Let me go... LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay well that is enough ranting. Sage out!



Sage

Wait opinions, should I keep my name (Canyouseeme)? 

Brick by F-ing brick

I've built myself a shelter from all of this, built for the bricks I've carried for years.


1 brick for every time you denied my friendship.....................................................1 brick for every move......1 brick for every time my sister told me she hated me......................1 brick for every time I thought what if I died tomorrow...........................................................1 brick for every broken friendship..................................




1 brick for every tear I let fall because of how stupid I thought I was.............................................................1 brick for every swear word........................1 brick for every bruise.......................................................................................
1 brick for every time I wanted to scream at my mother cause her fighting is tearing this family apart..............




1 brick for every time I've wanted wanted my sister to understand how much stain she is putting on our family...........1 brick for every time I said "no, it's ok" and it wasn't................................................1 brick for every friend I've lost.........................................1 brick for every three years..................




1 brick for every time I said I love you and you never replied..........................................................1 brick for each ex....1 brick for every doubt..............................................................1 brick for being stranded.............................1 brick for every word I've typed...................................................................................................




1 brick for every word I've written........................................................................................................1 brick for everything I've written but never published...........................................................1 brick for every secret I've guarded...........................................1 brick for every secret I thought was guarded...................................................................................................................................................







I've built a castle brick by F-ing brick.



Sage