Chair

I remind you of the things you never did and the words you never said.

I called you fat in third grade, and you never forgot.

I deceived you with smooth lines of comfort. 

I filled you day with a normality that drove you insane.

And I left you alone and forgotten in my bed sheets.

I stole away in the middle of the night.

I didn't leave a note only a hot half drunk cup of 

tea on your table. 

Sage

Summer skin.

Burning off your summer skin, pack away your warm mellow mind and brace for the cold.  

The weather is changing but our cold souls remain frozen. 

Riding the warm sun. Surfing the the moon formed waves. 

Bending trees dance like no one cares.

Everyone is there moving to the sound of the thunder. 

Clouds cry their honey dipped tears. Longing for a quiet day of rest from the troubles of the wold they watch from above.

The sore skin of the world holds us up, stopping us from falling to Hell.

Peeking from behind flower bushes.

The ocean flooding from behind our eyelids. A barrier only we can break.

Breaking free of our summer skin because all it holds is the cold.

Sage

Thoughts

Funny thing about my addict post. I am allergic to both, I am allergic to cigarettes and I am allergic to  the artificial sweetener in most gum. But I chew it anyway. Again I am an addict.

Claire Wright- Chemistry. So so so good.

I am irritated that no one is posting or commenting anymore. It really is bothering me. Are we all just beyond uninspired?

Weird nightmares lately. They have been giving me anxiety attacks.

Should I post more pictures/gifs?

Food...

I have written so much in the last 24 hours but I have only posted a few things.

Why do I not use colored pencil 24/7 they are kind of amazing.

You know what bugs me? The fact that everyone is going to freak out. If my family or half of my friends read my blog they would hate me. They would be disappointed at my language. I guess that is the danger of swearing in such a Mormon community. I keep almost slipping up around family. And I don't swear a lot but I do swear.

The other day during lunch I was sitting with a bunch of ass holes and I was in a really bad mood so I started writing. I wrote about how pissed I was, I wrote the word shit and couldn't stop writing it. I lost control and started crying, hard. Nobody even looked at me. These people who I had been friends with for so long just stood there talking as I cried my eyes out right next to them. Until my best friend came in the school and sat by me trying to calm me down. I love having anxiety attacks at school.

Sage

The search

Searching for something ever so elusive.

The unobtainable goal of a good high school experience.

In search of the true meaning of 18.

Seeking an optimistic self image and a daring purpose.

Sifting through sad poems and a trunk full of doubts.

Following a map to happiness.





Sage

Addict

Pulling a piece of gum out of the package today felt like pulling out a cigarette.

I think I'm an addict.

Please do not text me while I'm being emotional I'll say reckless stupid things that will drive you away.

Never before have beautiful words come from my emotional ramblings.

Sage

Jealous

The Eulogy I never wrote

I think we all fell in love with being 17.

We all fell for clear eyes and t-shirts bundled by cotton socks

We shared lotion in tiny bottles, eating hummus and trail mix in class,

pretending fourth term would never come.

Because tiny, old cars with fraying seats and tight belts made the lights a little brighter on Friday's.

Hoodies felt like jerseys and we didn't know the dance,

but we had songs to keep us on the bleachers.

And all of us could see 100 yards of half-rain, half-snow and smell In-n-Out after.

Buses felt softer, with a frayed satchel and a boy who liked Youth Lagoon

You were the only boy that ever kissed me on my doorstep and that kinda matters, right?

Boots that didn't stay laced, and Homecoming kiss aftershock and black lights on basketball courts.

We clapped at assemblies, but mostly laughed our way into a table at Kneaders,

soon-forgetting ACT scores and AP Psych tests.

Summer met Utah sand on windy volleyball courts and we fell in love with how terrible you played

and now I keel over the envelopes you write my name on.

We made bets on foreign countries and crooned guitars with virgin hands

sometimes pulling John Mayer out of its strings, all for the girl with soft hair.

You sat by the electric piano in a room, violent with happiness because he sang The Killers

And he pushed you up against a fence and kissed you hard so I don't know who wins here.

You fell in love with being 17 because a dark-haired boy with a clever tongue

sawed through your skin but it healed thicker,

So he ran away singing in Spanish, leaving you with words of amor to keep those wounds from disappearing altogether.

You said some praiseworthy things on Twitter,

Homecoming was a bust and you don't talk to Preference date anymore,

but he held your hand without invitation

so I guess you won't forget him.

I fell in love with 17.

with Youth Lagoon and Christmas cards and toxic 80's references

when I discovered Lorde and vowed to become Lorde.

Dancing with that one boy like idiots, the night he got an interception 

and the student section started chanting my name even though we've been just-friends for years.

I fell in love with 17 under a campfire.

I fell in love with oxygen and gold hair.

With Gatsby and the vapor I breathed when it snowed

I fell in love with open minds and new ideas.

And I threw away the notes I took as a sophomore

and took new ones on a canvas.

When I was 17, my mother said to me,

"Don't stop imagining. The day that you do is the day that you die."

Youth Lagoon

-Jackie O

I am jealous of this poem. I love it.

Ravings of a lunatic

I want to there, not be square.

I want to eat what I grow in my own backyard.

I'm sick of feeling sick of everything.

We said it but we never did it.

We read about a heaven on earth but we never went.

We took pictures but we never developed them.

We spoke of death but we've never looked him in the eyes. We were too afraid.

We kept the cat in the bag for too long. It suffocated.

We heard but we weren't listening.

We dreamed but we never did.

We blog, but we always hide.

We give a damn but we aren't going to Hell.





Sage

Something is going to happen

I am so worried.

Beyond worried. 

I have no idea whats going to happen and that bugs me. 

Although I suppose I never know whats going to happen.

I woke up this morning and the first thought I had

was that something is going to happen.

I don't know what.

I don't know when.

But something is going to happen today. 

Even if I have to make it happen. 

Sage

This is for them.

This is for the ones who are floating far above the earth. For the ones sinking into the dirt because they are way too grounded. This is for those who sit alone on the bus. For her, for him. For them. For those who are always surrounded by people but always feel alone. This is for those who don't feel ready for whats coming next. For everyone who flipped them off when their backs were turned. For everyone who saw a picture and said "I'm going there someday".

This is for crooked toothed teacher. For the divorcees. This is for everyone who had and anxiety attack during the driving test. For anyone who has had a break up. For those who have never been in love. For those who never will.

This is for the bleeding girl in the bathroom. For every boy in the closet. This is for those who may never walk again or those who never have. This is for those girls losing their beautiful hair so they can live for a little longer. For the boy who has been asleep for too long.

This is for those parents who lost their pride and joy. This is for them who never gave up. For those who don't know if it's safe to leave their front door. This is for you because you know what it's like.

Keep going.