Hopscotch

I am lost in Paris. At first it was a beautiful dream.

Now I'm wandering dark streets with no bearing.

I have dark stalkers always three steps behind.

No one speaks my language.

The only things that speak to me are the writings on the walls.

The paintings on the walls.

To many dark shadows are covering them.

You have every reason to be worried, you put me here.

I got caught up in the beauty of all of you.

Heaven help you when I get out. And trust me I will.






Sage

Smoke

I love the way smoke looks from a candle just after being blown out. That smooth string of smoke curling over its self just itching to escape.

I've had dreams of smoking cigarettes. Oh course they tasted nothing like I would assume the real thing would taste and feel like.

They felt clean, like a new better, sweeter, form of air. Of course I never plan to take even one puff.





Sage

To

I don't care what you think anymore.

I'm walking through crowded streets completely alone.

Around me I see torn souls, lost souls, and pretending souls.

What do I look like to you. I look nothing like what I feel.

How could you understand? Every mind is different sculpted to fit the vastness of individual universes.

Do not preach to me, do not tell me what I must do.

Contrary to popular belief I know what I am doing.




You tell me what or how and I feel defiant.

I will myself to not trust you. Or him.

Inner struggle of a need for human contact and protecting a now cautious soul.

 The vastness of my soul is underwhelmed walking through florescent hallways.

To normal.

Breaking skin that is tougher than it looks.

You know the beauty of a broken soul is that it knows how to pull itself back together.









Sage

I remember

I remember bubbles.
I remember this morning almost taking the bus because I've never driven in the snow before.
I remember playing golf with my dad in the field behind our house.
I remember visiting that house years later an my field was gone, over taken by houses.
I remember crying because of it.
I remember when I wanted to be a ballerina, a singer, an actor, a designer, an artist.
I remember my first day of the worst five months of my life.
I remember when I thought I was going to marry my best friend, I was six.
I remember I remember when our parents were on a double date and we were being babysat at his house and I didn't feel so good so he turned on Scooby Doo and watched it next to me.
I remember when I fell on my head in his basement and to make me feel better he pulled out his little sisters karaoke machine and sang stupid songs.
I remember they day I realized he was no longer my best friend.
I remember lightsabers and peanut butter toast.
I remember daddy daughter doughnut dates.
I remember moving to Utah.
I remember that summer was amazing.
I remember when you were only a an occasional smile in the hallway.
I remember knowing that I would be right and you would end up being even less. They always do.
I remember breaking for the first time.
I remember when ***** loved me.
I remember when I thought ******* loved me.
I remember kissing my best friend because he liked me so much and we got along so well, why shouldn't we be a couple?
I remember not feeling a spark.
I remember getting a package a few days after Valentines day from my missionary and how sweet and loving his letter was. He sent me a fox stuffed animal, he remembered they are my favorite animal.
I remember feeling so bad because I had a boyfriend and I didn't tell him.
I remember my patriarchal blessing.
I remember always wanting the flashing shoes but never getting them.
I remember getting heelys for Christmas.
I remember being in fifth grade and rolling down my street in my heelys listening to Hot Fuss by the Killers.
I remember the big book about dragons that Zion brought to school we poured over that thing like it was the bible and we were some sorry sinners.
I remember reading such great books.
I remember when I had an eighth grade reading level in fourth grade. I was so proud of myself.
I remember SCAPA, School for Creative And Preforming Arts.
I remember everyone in my grade, only around 40 kids.
I remember loving that school. So much.
I remember Zions birthday party, it was me him and his family we watched Godzilla in his car and when to McDonalds and played in the kids play area. We had such amazing imaginations.
I remember playing magic, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Dragons, and anything else we could imagine.
I remember when most of my friends were boys.
I remember before boys grew up, when they were fun and kind.
I remember when I realized just how jerky boys could be.
I remember all twelve of my best friends.
I remember Kentucky.
I remember my home. I remember crying when I left it. I haven't been back in six years.
I remember first finding my own favorite style of music.
I remember having fun. It's been a while since I've had fun without worrying about something.
I remember summer.
I remember not knowing about my parents problems.
I remember seeing my dad for more then a few days at a time.
I remember being poor.
I remember watching my dad build his career and not knowing what was going on.
I remember the mango trees.
I remember climbing them.
I remember Africa.
I remember chocolate doughnuts from Koalas.
I remember snails in the garden.
I remember barbies.
I remember going to Bear Lake for the first time with my friends.
I remember still having those friends.
I remember that spark of hope last week when she text me.
I remember those hopes being dashed, when she wouldn't look me in the eyes when I tried to talk to her.
I remember seeing my dad cry for the first and last time. That broke me.
I remember the two times I saw my mom cry. One was because my sister was to much to handle and the other was the same day my dad cried.
I remember crying at movie theater that day. I was going to watch a movie I had been excited for months about. The Hobbit.
I remember sitting next to my ex boyfriend and my best friend. She knew, he didn't.
I remember going to another movie at sticky shoe and almost cuddling with a guy I had a crush on.
I remember getting back with my ex a little while later and feeling so bad for that guy.
I remember ninth grade lagoon with a good friend who I had a crush on but he was leaving.
I remember him moving back.
I remember how excited about that I was.
I remember riding the Sky Coaster with him. One of the scariest-funnest things I've ever done.
I remember how things changed when we went to high school.
I remember when we used to walk not drive our parents car.
I remember when the only jobs we had were doing chores and yard work.
I remember when we flew kites in the new park.
I remember when you were my side not hers.
I remember when we didn't have to choose sides.
I remember when I could trust people.
I remember when I had crushes that I did nothing about.
I remember when I allowed myself to have a crush on a popular boy.
I remember when I told myself to never do that again.
I remember I bought my poem book.
I remember writing my pre-written poems neatly. I remember the beginning on second semester when I was told not to be neat.
I remember feeling so inspired, then looking around at everyone else and thinking I was getting to excited.
I remember deciding no to write too anymore because I don't like it.
I remember my friend telling me she wasn't a virgin anymore and wondering how someone could feel ready for that at such a young age.
I remember she didn't tell me at first because she was afraid I would judge her.
I remember telling her I didn't agree with her decision but she could always tell me what was going on.
I remember my first day of Mr. Bells physics class. I had two friends in that class, as well as my sisters best friends hot older brother. Of course I never talked to him.
I remember getting asked to homecoming by him and barely being able to contain my excitement.
I remember my little silver dress with the pink bow.
I remember being way to short for him.
I remember awkwardly standing in a circle with the other couple because none of them were dancing and I really wanted to.
I remember being proud of the fact that I had never seen The Notebook.
I remember watching the Notebook after mutual.
I remember watching Oblivion at the drive in movie with a handsome blond boy.
I remember all of us in the car screaming Jack! because of how many times they said his name in the movie.
I remember the day he left.
I remember our last kiss.
I remember our first date, we went rollerblading and he kissed me at the door step.
I remember my first crush after he left.
I remember homecoming.
I remember the lights hung above us and how much I loved them.
I remember when I spent an entire class writing about memories, right now.
I remember wondering with seven minutes left if I should publish or continue through next period.
I remember chocolate fraps.
I remember when I had time for breakfast, I'm starving.
I remember coming up with the name Sage. I also liked Robin. I love that name.
I remember walking down the halls listening to a pump up song in my new cloths and feeling so bad ass.
I remember finding out some peoples pen names and rereading everything to gain an understand.
I remember feeling like that may be cheating.
I remember when my grandpa left a chicken head on the stump around the back of the house.
I remember walking to second period.
I remember the library and the room that was painted like a jungle.
I remember candy rings and plastic necklaces.
I remember when we ate dinner together every night.
I remember hearing interesting things about my ex's girlfriend.
I remember the first time I watched a Molly Ringwald movie. It was pretty in pink. One of my favorites.
I remember crying in the shower calming down getting out, not being able to make it to the door before I started crying again. I cried for so long my hair was half way dried.
I remember having so much time before Netflix.
I remember being vegetarian. For about six months.
I remember my white house. Square, white and bright. We had a bean shaped pool and no backyard.
I remember when he lied.
I remember when they lied.
I remember when she lied.
I remember when people used to tell the truth and not behind peoples backs.
I remember when you never read all of this.
I remember when I was to lazy to go look for misspelled words and my angry text sounded like gibberish.
I remember when teachers has pretty, colorful posters on their walls and smiles on their faces.
I remember being scared of the slowly shrinking scroll bar for this page.
I remember wondering who will actually read this. This is my past that I'm remembering.
I remember when there was only one choice, internet. No chrome, firefox, safari.
I remember seeing Panic at the Disco! in concert. Brenden was shirtless. Yum.
I remember riding on airplanes. I used to every few months. Things are pretty nice when you are over seas and your dads company pays for everything.
I remember blaming that for my sisters being so bratty and self centered.
I remember when we did family activities that weren't only card games.
I remember my mom before she got an ipad, she wasted a lot less time.
I remember when I was more addicted to my phone then my mom. It didn't last very long.
I remember when there was music instead of TV and books instead of instagram.
I remember when I loved my eyebrows.
I remember when getting my kittens. My missionary came to my house with a shoe box in hand, he gave it to me and inside was a 2 week old kitten. I named her Scout. A few days later my mom went and got her brother a tiny fat orange tabby. I love them.
I remember the nice girl in the lunch line on my first day in a new school. Thank you.
I remember my green walls.
I remember Emily lane and my brown house.
I remember washing the car in our swimsuits.
I remember my pink bike.
I remember innocents.
I remember my first swear word.
I remember the song you wrote for me.
I remember my best friend being bullied and calling the girls who were tormenting her bitches.
I remember hearing my dad was hit by a semi.
I remember hearing that he only had a few bruises and scratches because he was in a Volvo.
I remember loving Volvos.
I remember things before they got complicated.
I remember friends.
I remember having fun on weekends.
I remember secrets.
I remember so much more then I could write.



Sage

Veins

One day I traced my veins with a purple marker.

I thought maybe if I could see them better I could feel the blood rushing through them, I could feel more alive.

One day I traced my veins with a gold marker.

Maybe if I can mask then with extravagance then I would feel like they were worth preserving.

One day I traced my veins with a black maker.

I assumed that if I blocked out the feeling of living it couldn't hurt me anymore.





Sage

Blackout